||[16 Jul 2010|01:07pm]
you look to the Star-Gods,
the first one in a violet sky,
faded into mushrooming foam,
turquoise gray and cotton candy pink,
as the night sips in
a liqueur of velvet,
and creatures of light,
feel the cooling warmth
in our veins as we drink it in under
why not settle for the sky?
it's big enough, arms open wide,
and invite me in, sometimes, i think
to take me home.
evaporate into air
before a crescent moon
the strands as thin as hair
the chords are always snapping
processing processing processing
and wonder, what am i doing here?
we are creatures of light,
our universe is only the stars, galaxies, planets,
light in darkness,
light with mass,
unlike the expansive space,
that is virtually absent of color.
and color itself is pixels of light,
of things that aren't darkness,
in their balance.
our entire planet, is light,
pieced together in mass,
forming formations, facades,
shades of light and primary tinted pixel bodies,
even our bodies! the light of the lost,
||[18 May 2010|09:35am]
a dense mist, dark ash
am i getting lost in myself again?
no, we just want
adorn the concrete jungle,
the memory of something
that was never really real.
but with all you'd learned within it,
about it, (him)
isn't it hard to look away?
i believe that in the end
i will have to accept that
most ending won't leave
me with answers. most
of the time i won't be satisfied.
but that is why they
are endings. even the "best"
ones, we don't really
breathing in reverse,
inhales of air,
so acute, poignant
exhales, so few.
if you'd had asked,
how i feel,
in - out - within ? ;
the glitter turns gold
and it can't stay.
but why is it the guilt
that always remains?
i don't want to be
someone you hate.
i'm turning into many lost mice
in a maze.
you've won, i can see now,
the horrible game.
you wanted to see how
far you could
flip the blame
and now i'm the one
who sits and who begs
and hates her self (again)
and goes slightly insane.
you've the prize
and the fame.
|now writing emo poetry?
||[17 May 2010|11:05pm]
jaded, jellyfish nebula
foamy florescent flecks,
suspended in darkness,
but in the light,
we were jaded, no
longer cosmic colors,
from blues and browns,
from yellows and green,
it's in the contrast
of daylight, we failed
to be seen.
vampires, our love,
it was a blood thirsty fiend.
||[28 Apr 2010|11:29am]
“It’s all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”
||[27 Apr 2010|01:23am]
i basically dissapeared.
but i'm back now, i think.
maybe i'll fill in what's happened while i've been silent.
maybe i'll leave it a mystery.
i need to leave more of myself to the imagination of others around,
if there's anything i've realized lately.
||[11 Mar 2010|05:11pm]
sunny weather finally happened!
but today is cool and damp and dark and dreary like the fog inside my head.
ross' computer is broken so i won't be able to use the computer for a while, it seems,
sad, tears, i'm miserable. (but it's got nothing to do with the stupid laptopbox)
||[02 Mar 2010|03:27pm]
i am falling apart, a tight rope tied me up but the knot is fraying, the peices are pulling apart and i'm falling falling falling,
i don't know where i don't know why i don't know how.
i got written up at work today and cried.
why is everyone so mean? why do i always feel like people should be nice to me just because they can tell i am sad? they probably just think i am pathetic and spoiled.
why am i so fucking sad? why do i want to do something terribly crazy.
pack all my shit and vanish, somewhere that no one will ever find me. drink myself crazy or OD on enough drugs to die, peacefully...
drive the car the wrong way on the highway, but there's no fuel in my fire for hurting someone else.
more than anything. the hunger. the hunger is back.
the hunger for itself. pretzels and a chocolate bar and i haven't been able to eat since then, yesterday morning.
i don't want to, anymore. i feel so out of control.
no matter how hard i try to organize my life, myself, my emotions, the world,
it's all so spinning and grinding out of control.
||[26 Feb 2010|02:17pm]
he's coming home from work now and i'm scared.
i haven't stopped shaking all day, jumping pulsing jolting twitching shaking away.
i want to hide, i want a mouse hole a cubby a hermit's corner a closed closet with a frightened child inside.
how much worse can things get?
maybe i can be hopeful. maybe things will get better.
oh wash me away, like watercolors, pour me with water and make me dissapear.
||[26 Feb 2010|01:47pm]
never felt so alone.
where am i to go?
dissapear, into thin air,
i have no where else to go.
a life that's incomplete,
it's even worse when you've found what you were missing.
||[20 Feb 2010|07:09pm]
ask me anything, tell me anything, share something with me, a secret, a story, a poem, a strange random fact, i'm bored, entertain me, enlighten me, get me thinking, talking, whatever!!!???!!!!
||[18 Feb 2010|04:55pm]
1. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet or long and detailed, all is good.
2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favourite and least favourite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
36) Favourite band(s) of ALL time:
||[29 Dec 2009|08:40am]
i don't wanna i don't wanna i don't wanna
go to work today!
||[23 Dec 2009|06:22am]
|fire, fire on the mountain.
||[23 Nov 2009|10:04pm]
i went to asheville, NC this weekend with my family.
i am seriously considering moving there when my lease is up, and going to school.
the town is so amazing. it's an amazing mountain town full of hippies and art.
it calls my name, it pulls me in, it begs, stay.
my younger sister & i (haha she's 17 and yet looks so much older than me, you'll see.)
sara to the left, me to the right.
daddy and me :)
mom in the middle.
i took this picture :P
the clouds were a violent and beautiful ocean. rustling white foamy waves.
we went to a peak so high you could see all the way to Boone. then it started snowing.
dad, sara, and me.
my sister is so pretty :)
today is ross & i's 6th month!
we went to see The Blind Side, AMAZING movie. by the way.
i saw New Moon the other night, too. it was so much better than twilight.
really i just can't wait to see Breaking Dawn, that interpretation is gonna be interesting.
anyways. my parents got me a sweet shirt too, when i was in asheville. and i bought new sunglasses and incense. there was this amazing shop where this girl made all these clothes all sewed together, dresses with lace and stencils and silk and all kinds of beautiful jumbled fabrics, some dangling seashells and animal bones and things like that. I HAVE TO GO THERE.
||[15 Nov 2009|05:55pm]
travis puppy pitbull haha and look at his kitty in the beer box....lol.
david's girlfriend, katie, and florida/travis.
||[13 Nov 2009|05:40pm]
what do you think you're belly button would say, if it could talk? ha!
i have lotsa clothes. one advantage of never having a growth spurt, lol.
my best friends.
geek girl. i have a headache today.
isn't he adorable.
tell me about your day!
bye bye now.
||[12 Nov 2009|07:05pm]
darkness & rain,
i am immobile.